Last week over dinner, a friend of ours posed a rather interesting question: "Have you ever noticed how people who feel they don't have enough money, (in spite of how much they actually have), often seek to demonstrate their power over you in other ways?" A flood of examples immediately came to mind: the office gossip who reports everything to the boss, the car dealership that makes you wait 6 weeks for an appointment, or the flight attendant who will only give you an 8 ounce cup of water rather than the entire can.

In most cases, the drive for power results from feeling lack of control either internally or over an external situation. For example, we all have experienced teachers who ran their classrooms as a dictatorship. One college instructor I heard about actually locks the classroom door when class begins to keep out those who are late. At least on the surface, this instructor seems to be more attached to "controlling" tardiness than to creating a learning environment. Now contrast this with an instructor where students are so enthusiastic about the class they don't want to miss it.

In coaching, we distinguish between "power" and "strength." In the first example, the instructor was relying on his "power" to force student attendance. In general, when we exercise "power," it's generally about attempting to control others. The need to force "control" arises from a perceived "lack of control." In contrast, the second instructor relied on the "strength" of his presentation to motivate people to come on their own. "Strength" is internal and doesn't need to be externally validated by controlling someone else.

Where are the strengths in your life? To answer this question, look to those areas where people are drawn to a particular aspect of your personality. This might be your ability to bake great desserts, to coach soccer, organize the company picnic, or simply be a good listener. The best indicator of a "strength" is the voluntary recognition of it by others.

Now, where do you exercise your power? The moment you feel like you need to let someone else know "who's the boss," you're not coming from strength, but from a perceived sense of weakness. To shift from "power to strength," begin by letting go of the "expectation" that you can actually control another person. Second, recognize that when your "need to control" arises, you've actually lost control of your own reactions. Third, acknowledge the only thing you can ever truly control is yourself and how you choose to perceive the situation. Finally, instead of looking for an external "fix" for the situation through power, look for the internal strength to control the reaction to what you're experiencing.

Strength is like a muscle—the more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes. Is it time to start exercising your strength?

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